Broke Beer Hunt!

Here's something for everyone out there. Screw all the calorie information.. I'm talking about the % Alcohol info. You say, "But if you want to get blastastic, Serious Bastard, just buy hard liqour!" WRONG!! Cost too much. If you're on a budget, alchohol per dollar is what matters. Most specifically, what's your price per ounce of alcohol. Let's see what the score is:

Domestic '% Alcohol'

Schlitz (6.2%) and Colt 45 (6.1%) win this one.
Anything with 'Ice' in the name has 5.9% Alcohol.
(Except Bud Ice, fuck Bud Ice)

Everything else has less alcohol, percentage wise. So, check this out: Say you go on a binge and drink a six pack of 16 oz. Pabst Blue Ribbon (5% Alcohol) This means you had 6x16 = 96 oz. of beer at 96x(.05) = 4.8 oz. of alcohol. How much did you pay for that sixer? I'll set it at $4.80 since I don't live in a convenience store nor do I pay attention to the price of Pabst. So, you paid (4.8)/(4.8) = $1 for an ounce of alcohol. Point being, if a 40 oz. of Schlitz costs less than $2.48 (IF a sixpack of 16 oz. Pabst costs $4.80) then you, in the interest of saving money on booze, must buy Schlitz instead. Also, a 36 oz. of Schlitz must cost less than $2.23 to be a better bargain than the fictional Pabst.

If you found a 36 oz. of McEwans Scotch Ale (9.5%!!!) and it cost less than $3.42 (36x[.095] = 3.42 oz. alcohol), you'd be good to buy it. Though, I doubt McEwans is that affordable. You'd have to be able to buy a six pack of 12 oz. McEwans for under $6.84 to make it a deal. Serious Bastard doesn't see that happening but check just to be sure.

Kristof, What the Fuck?

Alright, I can't help it.. this recent Op-Ed by Nick Kristof at the Times is a little bizarre. Read:

If the latest in the "Left Behind" series of evangelical thrillers is to be believed, Jesus will return to Earth, gather non-Christians to his left and toss them into everlasting fire.

Well, yes, Krissy, that's exactly what the Bible says will happen. Isn't it? I got bored reading it (the Bible, not Kristof's bit) so I quit. I'll have to defer to my more Bible-learned associates to comment on what technically awaits non-believers. Point being, Nick is, quite frankly, 'krissed off' and seems almost offended by the suggestion that Christians believe non-Christians won't be going to the big, happy Christian Heaven (They fucking invented it! They can invite whoever they want.)

Nick doesn't seem to grasp that a lot of Christians, seemingly, literally believe what they say they believe. (Well, hahahaha, we won't get into technicalities like do they literally believe everything in the Bible. Maybe just the big points like Commandments, Heaven, Jesus, and non-partial-believers-going-to-Hell.) My beef isn't with God fearing salt of the earth simpletons (I'm not looking to rain on their parade.) My sticking point is with Mr. Kristof. You should know better than to make such naive statements like, "That's not what America stands for, and I doubt that it's what God stands for." There's no room for the brainiac, God-concept you have stuffed in that noggin of yours, Nick. This is true blue King James edited, translated holy writ from God shit. Non-believers have a special place in Hell.

NOTE: My King James Bible reference is supposed to point out that the quote Word of Fucking God end-quote was edited up and crappily translated by some pudgy fingered Brit. Read this for some filler on this topic. And, don't go on telling me about how, "It's the thought that counts" or "The true spirit of our Lord's word is still there." Serious Bastard doesn't need to hear dull shit like that.

Serious Bastard suggests that his readers watch this. Just skip ahead to 01:07:55 to hear the speech by Seymour Hersh (read about him here.)  Naturally, you can watch the other parts of the ACLU thing, but Hersh's address is the only worthwhile part.  (Though, John Sayles film looked interesting.)

Hey! Serious Bastard has an IDEA!

I've noticed, yet again, that everyone involved in politics is apparently lying. Joe Wilson, LIAR!! Dick Clarke? DIRTY NO GOOD, DISGRUNTLED LIAR!! George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld?? LIARS, LIARS, PUMPKIN FRYERS! Michael Moore???? FROM PLANET LIE! In fact, the only people who will open their mouths these days are capital 'L'-iars! At least, that's what I'm told. Everyone is lying. So, I've decided that politically speaking, I have no more decisions to make. This next election is so important that everyone must lie their asses off to defeat the other side. There's not even room for third party candidates because they get in the way of all the lying.

What does one do about this? Well, since everyone's lying and I get to pick one or the other, I officially pick Democrat for the next 10 Presidential Elections. I want to have a button at the voting booth this November that lets me skip all of this examining and thinking (since there's no reason to think to hard about fucking lies) and just dial in a vote for the Democrats until 2044. I believe it captures the true value of participation in this great society.

In case you were wondering who won the majority in each individual county in the U.S. during the 2000 Presidential Election, here you go.

Hear the rumor on Cheney? (Here's Nytimes on it.)

Yeah, I heard it.. right along with the one about Giuliani being VP and Hillary Clinton teaming up with John Kerry.

This is Serioius Bastard's lunch, today. Delicious!



See, I told you.. DELICIOUS!!!

GO FUCK YOURSELF, LEAHY!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Someone should send this to Dick Cheney. It'd come in handy.

Serious, my readers. Timpac is crazy

Hey! Check out the new fucking link, asshole!

Don't worry, I'm almost Dick Cheneyed out. The "fucking" will stop soon. In the meantime, go check out fatty.dave on the links up top.

Hey! Fuck!

Okay, blogees.. It's explicatory time. Some of you may be a little "weirded out", "freaked", or made just plain "uncomfortable" by some of my posts. No, not by the "fuck, fuck, cuntity-cunt!" posts, but by the "the darkness has descended, oh weary world where is it I belong?" type posts. Rest easy, my readers. Serious Bastard has a complicated mindscape. All people, thinking people, have that complicated area in their mind that feels somewhat uncertain. Most normally socialized intelligent people learn to keep that area private. Others, like... say.. teenagers and the Serious Bastard.. still let it spill into the public realm on occasion. Though, the definite difference between Serious Bastard and a teenager is that Serious Bastard understands "the realm". Serious Bastard may sound despondent from time to time, but he is no blubbering fool. Serious Bastard has no need to pretend that the world really is simple, pretty and silly like a little puppy. Yet, he is not so stupid as to be wholly caught up in self-indulgent destitution.

Here are Serious Bastard's recommendations:

Take comfort in absurdity. Don't be let down by irrationality or illogical thinking (even in yourself). Fall in love. Pick flowers. And, from time to time, use shockingly filthy language.

That's it, readers. One, essentially, must make the world into a silly little puppy. Any other approach, like say, pretending the world is really, truly normal or simple, just requires one to become fairly dull minded. (If one desires that, then, well, Serious Bastard has nothing for you.)

How the fuck about that, eh?

I try my best to hear good punk rock but I get stuck listening to some boxed-up crap instead. Them's the breaks, and I suppose you shan't hear much whining from me. Regardless, let's proffer a movie review for the viewers "out there".. Everyone, go see "Barfly". I've been through this before.. I recommend "Barfly" to someone and they see it. And, then, they wonder aloud, "What's so intersting about that?" Well, if you don't fucking get it, then you don't fucking get it. From what I've gathered, this film means absolutely nothing to just about anyone who's seen it. They are comfortably situated, and one more stupid film about a reckless drunk means very little. To me, it captures every little important thing. Self destruction is an immensley pertinent topic. I bet George W. Bush knew a thing or two about self destruction in "his day". Of course, now he can't even complete a damned sentence, these days, without fucking it up. Oh, for hope of the days when Man simply uses his brain to will himself into some sense of pertinance.

My brain feels sharp, yet my import seems winded. Give me a few moments and I'll voment up a hot-diggity-twinged bit of "something or other".

Hey! Why don't you rural Republicans vote fucking Democrat!

Oh my goodness! I do believe Tarzanza! has written one of the finest political commentaries I've seen in a while. The deftness of his writing lies in the fact that one does not immediately sense the true import of the blog posting. Let me walk you, my fair reader, down the trail of meaning. Okay, well, I'll point the way, but I'm not going to hold your damn hand. Here's the equation set:

Donkey := Democratic Party
Maybelle := Rural Voters
Attraction to Donkey Penis := Perverse Attraction to John Kerry

Mainly, that's sort of how I feel, too. One can also infer that Maybelle has a Husband := George W. Bush who attracts her love no more. It's all right before your eyes. George W. Bush will lose to John "Donkey Penis" Kerrey come November. All those lonely nights on the political frontier, being ignored by the Man of the House... It makes a person desperate for attention, for love. One eventually settles for anything, no matter how revulsive. Don't blame me for pointing this stuff out. It's all around you.

Hey! Why don't you go fucking cry, baby!

Yes, now the Commander in Chief has resorted to cry baby tactics, stomping off stage after getting asked un-nice questions about Kenneth Lay. No doubt it's tough, frustrating work, and I wonder if he even wants to keep being President. Eventually, I hope for Mr. Bush to fire McClellan and bring his mother out as his spokesperson. Then, she could act upset and hurt whenever reporters were hard on her little boy. "How could you say such a thing?!! Can't you see, HE HAS FEELINGS, TOO!??"

Of course, the "dream come true" moment is when he uses the, "Opps, I just shit my diaper" excuse to get out of tough questioning. HAHAHAHA! Take that! Baby!