Locutious takes the Tazo Tea challenge

Claim on the back of a package of Tazo Calm tea:

A single cup of Tazo Calm has been known to have the same effect as sitting for 45 minutes in a mountain meadow on a sunny day with your shoes off.

Welp, all right, I'd like to be barefoot in a mountain meadow on a sunny day, sure beats being at work. So the first thing I did was grab my trusty stainless steel mug and head over to the coffee area and fill the mug with hot water. The water was very hot, practically steaming. "Aha," I said. "This will be perfect for my tea experiment."

Walking back to my desk, I turned the corner around a cube aisle into a hallway and some jerk blew right passed, not even looking where he was going. This startled me, and about one third of my scalding hot water splashed out all over my arm, pants, and tummy. "Fucking shitbag, watch where you're going, dickhole," I absolutely did not say, but thought about saying. So, I returned back to the hot water maker and there was a co-worker, Tim.

"What's the matter Locutious, you look a little tense," said Tim.

"I just need some more water for my tea."

"Your pants are all wet, did you pee on yourself? You know, we have bathrooms here. Hey everybody, Locutious peed his pants!"

"I did not pee my pants," I said as if it mattered. "I spilled water."

"You should be more careful, there's no need to be in such a hurry."

"I wasn't in a hurry, it was just a ..."

"Yeah, whatever. Hey when's you're birthday. I'll buy you some plastic sheets. Ha ha ha ha," and then the dick Tim walked away.

"Yeah, keep it up Tim," I thought in my imagination but was probably moving my lips while I thought it. "Keep it up asshole, I am gonna fuckin'... well, I don't know what I'm going to do..."

By this point I had made it back to my desk. Looking down on the desk, the teabag's title, "Calm", looked back at me, almost like it was taunting me. Whatever, I'm ready to go to the mountains, and if this don't work, I'll get a sixpack of Busch and head to the mountains that way.

I opened the teabag, and immediatly, the string broke off. Great. I tried to reattach it, but the little tiny staple on the bag was bent and the string wouldn't stay on. Fuck it. So I dropped the bag into my mug and pushed it down a few times with my pinky. The water was still pretty hot.

I let the bag steep for a few minutes, then hunted for some way to fish the bag out of the cup. I tried using my hand, but the water was still really hot. All I could find was a pencil, and I can't use that because I don't to want to get lead poisoning. I figured I ask someone else if they had a plastic knife or fork or something I could use. I walked out the cube and there was Tim again.

"Hey Locutious, did your pants dry yet."

"Shut up, Tim. Hey do you have a plastic fork or knife or something."

"Maybe, what do you need it for."

"I just need it."

"Tell me what you need it for, and I'll consider."

"I need it to get the teabag out my tea, the string broke off."

"Just use your finger."

"It's too hot."

"Here, let me do it then."

"No, I don't want you sticking your finger in my tea."

"Fine, then I guess you won't get to have any tea today. No, seriously, I don't have any plastic ware, either. Sorry dude. Catch you later, bra."

"Asshole," I absolutely did not say out loud.

At this point, I figured I'd just nut it up and fish out the teabag with my finger. I tried to reach down real quicklike and pinch the bag with the nails of my forefinger and thumb, but that didn't work. I couldn't get a firm grip. No, I had to quickly stick my finger into the water under the teabag and pull it out. So I did. And it was really hot. Hotter than you would think. But, it wasn't too bad.

I drank my tea. I held up the package again and reread it.

A single cup of Tazo Calm has been known to have the same effect as sitting for 45 minutes in a mountain meadow on a sunny day with your shoes off.

Hahahaha! Yes, my readers, see how uncalm the tea is for me! Not so relaxing as it would like me to think, yes?