Oh faithful readers of Serious Bastard Blog, these times are troubled, indeed. I, Locutious, venture forth, in Serious Bastard's stead, to shepherd you through these twilight tinged nights of dark, dark, dark. Yes, we suffer immense loss as of late. If one listens oh so closely, they hear the silence of a quieted soul, they smell a world minus one... still billions... yet somehow less. A brief moment of emptiness reared its head only to be trampled by the frenzied, shuffling masses. Yes, dear readers, Serious Bastard now dwells forever with the stars or the brown dwarfs or whichever interstellar geewgaw suits his stone cold dead fancy. He drifts far beyond the furthest gleaming fusion reactor off the edge of this universe into something we can neither spell nor draw pictures of.

How? How has this end become Serious Bastard? It is a much difficult thing to decipher, but I will deliver comprehension to the best of my abilities. Just this morning, I received a most mystically enigmatic letter from my dear friend, your esteemed Serious Bastard. Here, I shall recreate it as best as possible:

Greetings! Dear Locutious,

A multi-headed, obese humming bird stole me away to a bizzare cloud cafe near Albuquerque, and then its Al Gore head handed me a secret message and directed me to escape down a magic slide. I slid for days clutching this note. I was sure the slide might never end so I studied my encrypted letter. Maybe you can make sense of it.

ZYM IMKBZ QMBZELSME LDMXMQ FZB CKAB KXQ DEMDKEMQ ZL MEKBM TKXNFXQ. KZ ZYFB TLTMXZ LV UMKBZ YLDM, ZYM TLXBZME ZPEXB FXAKEQ KXQ QMGLPEB FZB LAX MXZEKFUB. YLAUFXO KXQ BHEMKTFXO KB FZ HLXBPTMB FZBMUV. KXQ ZYM DMLDUM TPBZ VFOYZ. ZYMS TPBZ QELAX ZYM BLPXQB LV QMKZY AFZY UKPOYZME KXQ HLGME FZB BZMXHY AFZY ULGM. ZYMS TPBZ VLEOMZ ZYM ZMEELE KXQ EMDUKHM FZ AFZY HMUMIEKZFLX. ZYM TLXBZME FB ZYMT. FZ FB SLP.

I've partially decoded it, but its meaning still isn't clear. Maybe you can give it a shot. I feel I am very close to figuring it out. If I decipher the message, then I might escape this magic slide.

Your Compatriot,
Serious Bastard Smith

A few hours after reading Serious Bastard's letter, I heard his voice trickle in from some unknown place. "Farewell, Locutious. I am drifting far, far away, and shall never return." he said, "Please, take over my blog and apologize to my many fans. Spread love and joy and happiness. It's all we have...." Then his voice trailed off into nothing.

I dare not decipher the message for fear of being banished to this nether-dimension. Attempt it at thine own peril. Regardless, I am to be your new steward, who shall guide you down life's contortious path. Though, I fear myself incapable of approximating glee to the extent that Serious Bastard might desire. I shall give it the tops. Until then..